Real
by Unclear Destiny
Summary: Even now, it's so hard to believe that what has happened to me isn't a dream, but instead, it's real. Tsuzuki's real. Hisoka's POV


Disclaimer: I only own some chewed gum, pocket lint and some chips, okay? Unless you want those, then don't even bother suing because I don't own Yami no Matsuie.

Warning: Despite my best abilities, this seems to run in oblong shaped circles. It also seems to pick up from no where, but oh well. Sighs

A/N: Inspired by a song that I downloaded whilst searching for a good YnM AMV that I hadn't yet downloaded. It's by Sarah Brightmen and it's called 'Eden'. Very nice tune to it.

A apologise for the crappy formatting of this story though, but that's what I get for rushing headlong into things with only a plot bunny sucking on my hair and nothing else.

Even now, I still can't believe it.

Even now when the dark and the night just becomes to much for me to handle, and I _have_ to teleport over to his house. When the Sakura flutter by my window, and the memories of _that_ night come back to me, haunting me.

Not like I'm complaining, though. Even though I'll never admit it, the feel of his arms around me, just holding me close...I like it, I need it, but sometimes I'm able to suppress that need.

Our first case, the one everyone had so lovingly dubbed 'The Dracula Case', I had gotten kidnapped.

Now, isn't that typical? It makes me think of some clichéd comic or cartoon, where the young, female lead is always getting into trouble and the older, tall and handsome guy is always- wait, that pretty much summarizes the situations I normally get myself into...damn. Anyways, I had later found out(but only after nearly getting a rather nice knife stuck in my face) that the man who held me was, in fact, my murderer. Then Tsuzuki comes, the gallant knight he is...wait, did I say Gallant Knight? I meant 'Idiot bastard'.

So, Tsuzuki comes in, the idiot bastard he is, and we talk a bit. As always. I don't know, it seems to be the big rule when confronting villains. TALK.

I tell him it's a trap, yadda yadda, and can you believe what he says to me next?

That we're partners and that it's his responsibility to protect me.

What the heck!

I mean, here's this man, an elite Shinigami who is the commander of twelve powerful Shikigami, coming to rescue me, a bratty teenager who was no nicer to him than a rabid cat.

I was speechless, in awe of this man and if I hadn't been so concerned about pride, I think that I would have broken down and cried right then and there.

Instead, I waited until I got home to do that, but that's besides the point.

I think I may have been scared, no, I was scared. I was afraid that this man would leave me and I'd be all alone again. I was so scared, terrified that he would be gone the next day.

By our next case, I had begun to open up a bit. And then I met Tsubaki-hime.

Lord she was...she was beautiful. I think I nearly fainted when she kissed me then. Imagine that, an angel with a smile, kissing a defiled and dirty death God like me?

I had opened up to her nearly straight away. Well, not ALL the way, it's not like I smiled or anything. However, I think the whole situation made Tsuzuki a bit jealous.

Either way, I liked her, a lot. I didn't love her or anything, I was just in awe that such a pretty person would...well, talk to me.

She said she liked Camellias...

Later on, she became a bit like a sister to me, and then she said that Muraki was her doctor. The truth struck me hard. She was just another doll...a freaking _doll_, so twisted around by that angelic man's smile. It was nearly to much to bare.

And then she slapped me.

It was...nice and mean at the same time. Nice, because Dolls weren't supposed to hit you, and mean because she had done it in Muraki's defence.

Later on, we were pretty close to wrapping up the case. I had fessed up about my being a Shinigami, Muraki cursing me and all that nice stuff after stabbing my hand.

By the way, don't do that. It _hurts_ like _hell_.

Then we had found this secret room. yadda yadda yadda, looked around and then Tsubaki-hime nearly ran me through with a knife. Ugh.

And then we discovered that she was possessed by Irene, her best friend, because her heart belonged to said best friend.

I swear, sometimes I think I'm part of a real-life Soap Opra.

And then Muraki shot her.

She had the most shocked look on her face as she crumbled into my arms, and the look on her face as she turned around, when she confessed her love to him, God...

She looked so broken...Like a broken doll...

Muraki left, then, and Tsuzuki chased after him.

She asked me to shoot her.

She **asked **me to _shoot _her. _HER._

I think, if I could have, I would have died again.

I can still remember it, even now.

"Don't be sad, Hisoka..."

"I know you have someone who feels strongly for you!"

"Someone who's close to you! Who _loves_ you!"

It wrenches at me, like a fist to my gut even now...I just can't forget her, forget her face, her smile...I can't forget her...

I shot her. I used Muraki's gun...and I shot her. In the heart.

What kills me, is that, had it not been for me, she would have lived. At that time, I was no better than Muraki, and I voiced that quite nicely to get myself in Tsuzuki's arms when we left the sinking Camellia in that helicopter.

Sinking Camellias...how appropriate.

Third mission. I had closed up a bit again, much to my partners frustration.

This time, we were handling a cursed violin, eye surgery, and a little girl who was accidentally thrown into the money pool.

Do you know how damn _disturbing_ it is to see what you could have been? If life had handed you a nice set of cards instead?

I hated Hijiri for that very reason. I mean, sure, my hair isn't going to be that shade of brown any time soon, even if I had been handed lemons to make some damn pie, but still...

He was so...happy, he was always smiling and Tsuzuki loved him for it.

I _hated_ him for it! I couldn't help but feel jealous, he seemed to have everything that I didn't and I hated him for it!

But at the same time, I had to preserve it...

Hijiri wasn't just a job to me, another case. No, he never was. He was personal the first time we saw each other on those steps.

I...was glad he was happy. Happy that he had something that I thought that I never would have again.

__

Happiness...

And then, Tsuzuki got possessed and it all went down from there.

I've never been more terrified in my life.

Again, I was horrified that I'd loose him, but this time it wasn't just myself I was scared for.

This time, i was scared for Tsuzuki, too.

Hijiri and I, we hatched a plan. We didn't tell the others, they didn't know Tsuzuki was possessed yet.

So, we bought ourselves a couple of wigs and contacts, because there was always the chance that Saaganatsu would be able to sense a spell or two.

So, I posed as him and we taught each other how to act. Despite the dire situation, I had fun.

Hell, we even had to teach each other how to walk, correctly, not that I would be doing much walking...

Anyways, when Tsuzuki went in for a shower, Tsuzuki and I hurriedly traded places and I waited by the window for Tsuzuki...Saaganatsu...

He came out of the shower, and I was struck dumb.

He looked beautiful. His hair wet and dripping, framing his face, body slick and clothing clinging to his body because of his wet skin.

I just wanted to reach out and touch him, make sure that I wasn't making a mistake...

But I wasn't, and I knew that as soon as he asked, no, _demanded_ that he have my body, stripping me of my shirt half way as he did so.

It was incredibly awkward, terrifying and yet most endearing thing that's ever been done to me.

Sure, I was terrified of sex, still am. Who wouldn't be? But at the same time, I had wanted Tsuzuki to take me into his arms and...well, make _love_ to me.

Then I realized that it was Saaganatsu and by that time, he had whipped out a butcher knife and was cleaving my shoulder in half.

I had been shocked. I couldn't move, even as he came at me again and again and again. I think I may have screamed, whether from astonishment that this was _Tsuzuki's_ face above me, or from the absolute, sheer, terrifying agony that comes along with getting your arm hacked off.

He also tore out my left eye. That HURT.

Then again, my whole world was hurting, so it probably didn't make a lot of difference...

I think I died, then...not the true death, but a death in which your heart stops beating and your brain dosn't receive oxygen. You know, that one?

However, I must have revived myself later when I was pretty much half healed. I had looked down on my arm, half blind, and decided that 'Hey, it's still attached', and so I shrugged on my new white trench-coat that Hijiri and I had bought on a whim. He got a matching black one, by the way...

And so, I teleported to Meifu, stumbled to JuOhCho, and then ran to where I knew Tsuzuki and the others would be. I healed along the way.

I must admit, the look on Tsuzuki's, no, Saaganatsu's face when I arrived, wig an all, was pretty amusing, Then the others called me a ghost and I got irritated. Taking off my wig, I made the typical speech 'Oh, you're an idiot, you nailed the wrong one!' and we got to fighting.

It was awful. I knew that he would feel so guilty afterwards, when we told him what happened.

And then he broke out of the Reibaku Spirit Bind and attacked Hijiri.

Or he would have, had I not gotten in the way.

Attacks that are meant to kill impacting recently healed injuries are never pleasant, I'll tell you that right now.

Anyways, Saaganatsu got distracted and I started pulling off even more Reibaku's and flinging them at him. Then Hijiri manages to get through to Tsuzuki somehow and he pushes Saaganatsu out.

At that moment, I hated him again. Hated Hijiri and hated myself for not being able to get through to the man that meant so much to me.

Kyoto...God, that was the worst case in my life.

I won't say much about it, I can't remember much. I don't WANT to remember much.

Anyways, Muraki got a hold of Tsuzuki, despite my best efforts, and kidnapped him. I can only imagine what that sick, perverted psycho did to him. Hell, I could feel Tsuzuki as soon as we got to Mibu-sans.

And me, being the lucky guy that I am, got to go up against him.

Did I mention that Mibu-san is a great Master Swordsmen?

I barely got a hit where-as he got me a nice diagonal slash from my shoulder to the opposite hip. And me, being the determined bastard that I am, charged right after and managed to swipe a few hairs off the man's head.

He let us through.

By this time, the building was already in flames, and I could see Touda rising and spinning in their depths.

Then, I saw Tsuzuki. My heart and hopes crumbled right then and there.

He looked so...lost sitting there, the flames licking at his skin and kimono(since when did he have a Kimono?), reflecting off slightly burnt, tanned skin.

I jumped. Watari grabbed me and I jumped in again.

I couldn't loose him, no, I WOULDN'T loose him. I couldn't, I couldn't loose the only man who had ever cared for me. _Never_.

And now, I'm in his arms, again. The night is cold and wraps around us, much like the blankets surrounding our prone forms. Rain patters against the window. We're on another mission, in another cheap but clean hotel, in the only bed.

I sigh, blinking away both sleep and the tears which had come forth during my reminiscing and hold tightly to Tsuzuki's sleeping shirt.

Sometimes, it scares me as to how much I depend on the man who's holding me right now, but then I find that I later, don't care.

I can't help but let loose a small, incredibly soft sob and Tsuzuki, as if hearing me, holds me tighter.

This man...

This man is my angel, he is my godsend, my saviour, my messiah, whatever you want to call it. I love him, I would do anything for him because he's done everything for me and more.

But what get's me most, the one that, no matter what, always makes me smile, is one thought.

__

He's real.


End file.
